Sorry, I know this is horrible, but I don't know what else to do at this point but laugh.  This statement at the end cracked me up.  There are some other people, I think, who will have actively lost money...

At this point it'd probably be better for all of you to just walk away.  Donate what's left to the faucet and deal with the legal consequences.  I'm sure for you guys that'll be significantly easier to deal with than securing the bitcoins you have remaining and attempting to refund anyone their money.