Nothing would please me (or my wallet) more than for you to convince me of your case, since I could pick up nearly 5 times the amount of Monero for a given holding of Dash.

Somehow though...  

Maybe I'll just have to resign myself to the fact that I'm just "ignorant" as smooth  alludes to or a "moron" as Generlize says, and will have to consign myself to eternal poverty from now on  

(P.S. It's the public who ultimately decides what is money and what isn't. If you're trying to define and pass of mere 'balances' as money then a public blockchain is a public blockchain. "Obscure" it at your peril).