I'd like to know how to get bitcoins without having to trust ANYONE. This is one of the most appealing aspects of bitcoin, but I haven't been able to figure out how to do it. Everywhere I look, it seems like I'd just be opening a "bank" account that would hold bitcoins for me.
You want to buy bitcoin without having to trust anyone? You have to, at least, trust an exchange with your fiat. Then you buy bitcoin with your deposited fiat and transfer them to your local wallet like Bitcoin Core or Electrum. You could also buy bitcoin from an ATM a small amount at a time to minimise risk. I believe some exchanges (like Circle) are worthy of trust and you shouldn't worry if you are just buying bitcoin and transferring out.