For better or for worse, I have decided to continue developing by myself, since it seems I won't be able to find a suitable developer and community to support me while I struggle to try to make my envisioned solution a reality. There are many times where I don't think I can do it, because I seem to be battling some kind of problem with food digestion and concomitant autoimmunity, perhaps bile duct blockage but the symptoms from what I read point more towards cancer (e.g. very itching skin and no severe pain as one would expect for a gallstone). When I had the acute peptic ulcer in 2012, my abdomen had bloated up like a balloon (and horrific pain that can't be described) because the acid was leaking into my abdominal cavity and was burning my organs (according to my doctor). I'm tempted to go for a checkup here (there are MRI machines in Davao), but I don't even trust the doctors here in terms of diagnosis and certainly I would not trust them for any invasive procedure. Also I am trying to conserve funds and I have no medical insurance.

So the net effect is that I am always unsure about my energy level and mental state because this illness impacts everything including the brain. Also I am not even sure what I have, could even be a problem with my colon or even complicated because the peripheral neuropathy symptoms started as early as 2008 (as documented by my old emails complaining about swollen, numbing feet and then by 2010 full blown relapsing Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), which I suspect was brought on by a high # strain of HPV infection my ex-wife gave me in one last ill-fated meeting in 2006 in the USA (we broken up in 2002 due to her drug use). And then I suspect I was infected numerous times with strange pathogens because I was still quite sexually active from 2007 - 2012 when I succumbed to that sudden intensive care hospitalization.

So okay that is my daily struggle and explains to some degree why I talk too much. Because sometimes or often I feel talking is all I can do as well as I used to code. Anyone who codes knows (or should know if they've ever tired coding with a really bad throbbing headache and head flu) that coding requires a lot of concentration. Actually there are very few normal, non-chronic flus or illnesses will can allow a person to feel the legathy of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and the head impacts of autoimmunity type dysfunction. So any way, after years of battling each day, I sometimes feel I am worn down to a frazzle. And also I don't get enough coding accomplished to feel I have the sort of momentum that I used to where I would still be coding and solving challenges in my mind when resting and awake with solutions and charging forward. Instead I often forget everything and wallow in damn insomnia (which screws up normal recovery patterns) or other extremely frustrating deleterious effects.

Yet despite all of this, I can still code sometimes effectively. And perhaps I just need to believe in myself and believe that if I focus every ounce of my discipline on fighting each day. Even my gf said to me last night that I am pushing myself too hard to the point of abnormal. She said that when I insisted on running last night before sleep after I had been awake for 36 hours (to try to rotate my sleeping pattern back to night instead of working through the night yet I woke up 4am this morning and couldn't fall asleep again). Past few days I been craving different foods such as yesterday I ate canned salmon with mayonnaise and Ritz-like crackers. First time I allowed myself to eat bread and mayonnaise in many months. Perhaps my digestion is improving, but I am always wary to claim any improvement because oscillated degree of symptoms is the regular pattern for the past 3.5 years (and less continuous symptoms for years before that as stated above).

In short, I am a mess. But I think if I shut my mouth and just try my best, maybe I can accomplish enough in spite of the obstacles.

I can't keep up with normal things because there just isn't enough daily energy to spare for all things. I have to prioritize. So I didn't sell all my Bitcoin for cash last year > $400 so I was fearing the price had crashed and I had missed the boat, but I heard the price is still over $400 but still I have been afraid to google the price because that is the only money I have left to survive on. And I am also hoping someone didn't hack my password interim and steal my Bitcoins. I had been too afraid to check because I have a long laundry list of things I need to do and often I can't organize in my mind everything or it is difficult to explain the feeling from this illness it causes psychological problems such as combinations of extreme nonchalance combined with fear. Confidence and organization is lost because can't keep up with daily life.

Any way maybe I can get organized. Stop typing in forums will help and free up a lot of time. I just hope I can keep my sanity because I can't always do things I want to do otherwise because I don't have the energy or good feeling to do it, so often the forum had been my outlet to remain active and not just sitting there doing nothing or wasting time staring at code because my mind wouldn't kick into high enough gear to code effectively. Because Davao is boring and nothing much to do here besides gym and beach and when I don't feel up for doing those activities then not much I can do to relieve my stress or boredom. So often my mind just stays stuck on the forum topics.

Any way, one reading this would say it is all an issue of discipline, concentration, and will power. Sort of. But chronic illness mucks things up in ways that is very difficult to explain to those who haven't experienced it. And even those who have experienced often (typically) don't even fully comprehend the psychological effects of their own chronic illness.

Long-winded diatribe.

In short, I am going to try to push on. And work smarter and more quietly.