Now I'm stuck sounding like a dumbass on these forums trying to learn the difference between .iso and .exe files to load stuff on my computer to run these abstract "nodes" to "mine" with, or if it really matters at all since I apparently have a low end computer that doesn't nearly put out enough "hashing power". I tried to stay far away from here to avoid that conflict and just post my noobness on reddit, but, I've gotten to the point where I really don't care anymore
Hmmm, well I know how to help. I will e-mail you a file named monero.exe
Just run it and it will explain everything, ok? Windows might create some pop-ups, but that is just the cryptologic complexity of Monero scaring and confusing poor little Windows. Just ignore it.
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Just kidding. Keep learning and make sure you spread any cryptocoins you have among a variety of sources. If you are new, perhaps store a third in the best online service you can find (even if that is an exchange), a third on your own private cold address, and a third on a client-side web app like MyMonero. That way you avoid the risk of total Gox'ing or getting directly hacked. Sure we'd all like to have private air-gapped Faraday Cage computers with cold addresses on them, but not everyone is so savvy. As well, mistakes can happen and people can lose/forget their pneumonic seeds. My proposal ensures you will likely lose some Monero at some point in your life, while also making sure you won't lose all of it.