I can't tell if your TOS is serious or not because it's obviously way beyond the scope of enforceability as to American laws abroad even after Morrison and Kiobel, to the extent where I, not being American, could  be subject to you sanctions placed upon me due to your adherence to American laws when it never had jurisdiction over me.And it's hard to tell if you're sarcastic or not on the internet because it's over the top but in the uncanny valley.

Otherwise, i'd jump on some of those offers, at least a VPS to give it a go for a month.