After a couple more compiles and tests, same false positives and after a tad of research it seems these are inherent to the 0.13.xx branch I chose to fork:
https://github.com/bitcoin-dot-org/bitcoin.org/issues/1472I chose 0.13.xx as the "latest stable," but may have to re-rebase it again in the long term. Going to try a couple more compiles and build a fresh VM from scratch just to be sure--if nothing else works, I'll post links in the next 24 hoursish.
There is Kutangterbang who is looking for work and may be interested in the coin. Is there some work you can think of and I'll send him/her a bounty for it? We just need a few more people and some koolaid.