all my chunks are ~2.6m, and are returning about .05 ZEIT per stake. i'm getting lots of orphans too though

at least you're earning something?
wallet is online since and before ULI activated, coins were sent to new addr after ULI activation, but only producing orphans, lots of orphans... any ideas?
Make sure your Time on your PC is correct.
Hold your mouse over the blue check mark and make sure you are in sync before unlocking your wallet.
Recombine your coins into larger amounts per block.
The Higher the amount the less likely it will orphan.
For the next 45 days or so we still have blocks completing from the old style and new style,
with any luck the orphan rate in the clients will decrease after that time.

FYI:
Also make sure you are on version 2.0.2.1 , as older versions are not able to stake and will orphan.
FYI2:
Windows Firewall may be causing random disconnects interfering with your staking or staying in Sync, be sure that ZEIT is in the allowed list.
Windows :
Click start, click control panel, click Windows Firewall,
Make a note on which network is connected Home/Work or Public
Then Click on Allow a Program or feature thru Windows Firewall , click allow another program, click browse ,
then go to the folder with zeitcoin-qt.exe , select zeitcoin-qt.exe , click open, click add ,
It should then be in the list of allowed programs with a check mark to the left and a check mark on the right side under home/work or public. Click OK , and then reboot.