My Pi for some reason couldn't feed the miner fast enough without work returns exceeding 100ms, and that was connected to the same router as the blades. I swear I am developing only hatred for my bad luck

How many blades/workers did you set up? Did you compile the proxy (midstate) C Extension in order to speed things up? ...
1 Blade is the only thing attempting to use the proxy. Every time I tried "make" in the midstate folder it errors out under Wheezy, some complaint about the Arm processor. I can pull the log if need be.