Bad news, everyone.

At the urging of my techie friend, he suggested that I first test the cards before sending them off.  Well, lo and behold, both are dead.  Unbelievable.  I don't know if it's just bad luck, or I did something to them when I took them out of the anti-static bags.  At any rate, they are no good to anyone, and as such, this thread is closed.  And newegg doesn't have any replacements in stock.  Looks like I'll just be sending these puppies back in for a refund.  Sorry to all who were inquiring... sorry to waste your time.  And yes, I do feel like a gigantic ass.