Alright, I'm putting up a 10 BTC bounty for anyone who can find such a function
I have found the function, and I claim my 10 BTC.
13NyUj5StfFDLCT1xrwDWShp51H9Ve9xMW
Unfortunately it won't make you happy, because the function simply maps its inputs to its output, resulting in a very large hash (but you said that's OK).