Are we discussing an abstract symbol (glyph) or logo? If it is decided (against my lone protests) the abstract symbol is a B with two slashes, then I think your logo is lovely. It has clean lines, no cramping, I agree you accomplished your goals. But are you also suggesting a modification to the abstraction? That other logos imply three vertical lines whereas you propose only two (something like a 3 with || rather than a B with ||). These seems a question of penmanship or font rather than glyph. Am I mistaken (I'm willing to bow to your typographic superiority on this one)?
I am talking about both really as one follows the other but more-so the abstract symbol and its specifications: That the symbol for bitcoin should be interpreted as being a # sign combined with a B, so that the symbol only has two vertical lines, something exactly like you say 'a 3 with || rather than a B with ||'. Indeed the bitcoin symbol we most often see could call itself a stylised version of my exact proposal but I feel it gives the impression that it is more a 'B' with two added vertical lines for a total of three vertical lines.