2: Ive tried that, but Mt.Gox wont accept paypal, and being in Australia I don't have any of the other payment methods available
Dwolla takes AUD, Mt. Gox can be funded with Dwolla. Problem solved.
3: I have no useful abilities that I can offer over the internet. (not at this point in time, anyway)
Then get some. Learn HTML, CSS, XML, XSS. There are tons of resources online to do so. Then offer to code a site for someone, or work on HTML coding. Saying, "I have no useful abilities" is just an excuse.