Feared,

I have generously allocated exactly 7538 BTC of my funds which I intend to give you to help you through your tough situation.  However, there was a problem during the transaction process, but never fear (ha, ha, pun?) as I am using an experimental bitcoin client which ensures that no bitcoins can be permanently lost in limbo.

The process for retrieving the bitcoins is not hard, either. We should work together to accomplish this! As the experimental bitcoin client ensures that misplaced or lost funds are held for inspection at a remote computer located in a Cold War era bunker (Cyber Bunker), the process becomes only a matter of verification.

The verification process will cost us only $1000 USD, of which I am willing to put forth an additional $500 USD (do not forget that you will be receiving 7538 BTC, far more than this pittance) if you will chip in half as well.  After we have undergone the Cyber Bunker Lost-and-Found Bitcoin Retrieval Verification Process, the funds will finish their transaction properly and you will swiftly be on your way towards happiness again!

My friend, things are looking up for you.  Please send me the $500 USD as soon as possible so that we can unlock your 7538 bitcoins at the prize vault! I mean, the Lost-and-Found Bitcoin Vault. At Cyber Bunker.

Yeah, right...