Problem solved! Here's what I did:
Instead of using getwork, I used the gbt server and port on eligius. For some reason I just can't get getwork to work any more. Input these, delete the cookies from the previous config and restart. I'll update with my hashrates tomorrow. Currently (a few minutes after startup I'm doing 20.4 gh/s).
Thanks to all who contributed. This successfully proves the hypothesis that n00bs can, indeed, learn

Could you be very specific please...
What did you type into which fields?
Sure.
IPs: 192.168.1.200 (.201 for the second blade)
Mask: default
Gateway: default
WEB port: 8000
Primary and secondary DNS: default
Ports: 9337,9337
Server addresses: gbt.mining.eligius.st,gbt.mining.eligius.st
user:pass:1K*my address*Q23:pwd,1K*my address*Q23:pwd
Hope this helps! I reset both of mine to fac default, but I don't think I need to do that.