Friends, fellow human rights unenthusiasts, lovers of martial law and extrajudicial justice, it is with great pride that I, President Rodrigo Duterte, announce my entry into cryptocurrency by throwing my full unadulterated support behind YuTuCoin.

What people do not know about me is that I also have a soft side, and that I love YouTube. I especially love those videos of kittens dressed up like people. They remind me of my cat, Gwapito, I had back when I was mayor of Davao. I would gladly give the lives of ten corrupt politicians just to have him back.

I am donating ten cases of our finest gin to your cause, will also throw in some tamarind and balut on the house. You guys like that kind of stuff right? Just don't let them take away my kittens!