I gave you 5 steps in order that you should do them, now with comments.

1. Do a system restore trying to do it past the point you went the the warez site, opened the email or watched the porn that got it. Then scan and remove the virus.
You are correct this hardly works, but it is step one.
2. Use a antivirus app to try to remove it, I would like to think that even though you are an idiot you tried this so this one is out.
This never works, but worth a shot.
3. Take the harddrive out and plug it into a clean system and remove the virus. This method also can destroy the OS.
This will work, but might destroy your bootable OS
or
4. The best and fastest way is simply reformat the pc. You do this by putting in a windows disc and rebooting. After install , move your files back over and reinstall everything. Now you are fresh and clean. Next time use norton antivirus and a good firewall But keep in mind no matter how much protection you use an idiot can always get reinfected.
This will work PERIOD, unless you got a boot sector virus which I highly doubt.

I'm one of these "specialist" you speak of, I was working on computers when they were monochrome and I had a whopping 10mb HD!!!! Dos command line was the bomb!