Well first off, it's not exactly system-friendly having statistics on when you have 11599 workers, and 14.11 GH/s, so by disabling some statistics, it alleviates some server load and helps stop the pool from crashing from all the people refreshing the dashboard. Also pool hashrate, i'm assuming that's what you're talking about when you say "my hashrate is never close to what it should be", is calculated on the amount of shares put in inside of the 5 minute statistic refresh interval, so it will never be accurate compared to the speed the miners are actually going at. When you say "nothing ever adds up", you could always check the blocks and add it up yourself to find out if it's right (someone correct me here if i'm wrong).

Sure, Phonetic managed to steal all the money on his pool, but he did so by breaking the payout system and redirecting it all to his account, thus the reason no coins could be withdrawn from the pool (again correct me if that's not what happened), now we can withdraw from fast-pool so they haven't screwed with the payout system. As someone mentioned on the scryptpools page, the money is SALTed so that it can't be edited without the encryption key. If you're getting less than you expected, it could be either orphaned blocks, or you've used the coinwarz calculator, which doesn't take luck into account and just uses an average of 500,000 doge per block. I'm sure the fast-pool team would've enabled stats if the system could handle it without causing too much load on the pool.

tl;dr: the pool is very big, and you can't expect accurate stats on a large mining pool; it's very difficult to steal coins, and yo'd have to break all the payouts to do so.

I trust fast-pool, and they're the only proportional doge pool I know of!
To the moooon fast-pool, to the moooooon!