You can answer a simple question to determine a shitcoin:
Q: Is your coin Bitcoin?
A: Yes
Result: Not a shitcoin!!
A: Yes, its Bitcoin Cash.
R: SHITCOIN!
A: Yes, its Bitcoin (ABC, XYX, Private, insert your preference here).
R: SHITCOIN!
A: No.
R: SHITCOIN!
While I don't necessarily agree, I think some alts like ETH for example are very useful and great coins - your post did make me laugh my butt off so thank you for that!