As I'm in love with mysteries, I am obviously going for THE MYSTERY BOX!
It contains a 1-gallon can of zero-viscosity oil!
With absolutely no viscosity and negligible surface tension, this fantastic product from the Ideal Fluid Company is recommended for lubricating frictionless bearings and perfect hydraulic systems. Caution: Do not use in systems using conventional oil pumps. That won't work at all.
I've been waiting to join the Vulpine Order of Merit for many months now, but obviously I don't qualify.
You're very close, and have been for a while. The Pharmacist had the same problem, but he got there in the end, and I'm sure you will too.