You would likely suffocate under the tremendous density of my mastadonic penis and testicles 

Don't come at me unless you can crush your testicles between two cement cinder-blocks, for at least 10 reps, right after you get out of bed. Never mind that I have graduated beyond titanium platters for increasing my testicular fortitude.

You are hopelessly out-matched, sir. Crushing you under the weight of my wallet.dat alone, would likely lead to your entire bloodline becoming instantly sterile, as a ripple-effect.