Also, I loved the way you used the fact the longest you've had to wait for a payment to clear is an hour, as some sort of redeeming factor! Let's see how people would feel if they had to wait 1 hour for a PayPal transaction to clear or 1 hour for their payment for coffee at Starbucks to clear etc etc.
A PayPal transaction takes 180 days to "clear". It easier to reverse a PayPal transaction than it is to reverse a zero-confirmation bitcoin transaction. It takes bitcoin 10 minutes (on average) to confirm; it takes PayPal 6 months. And if you need instant payments, such as to buy a coffee, then you use Lightning.As for the fees on cards being passed on to merchants, what's your point?
Credit card fees can be up to 3%. If I'm buying something expensive then that can easily turn in to hundreds of dollars. With bitcoin, I can make the same on-chain transaction with a fee of 2 cents or less.You will be waiting forever and a day unless you pay extremely high fees to have near instant confirmation
Damn, I guess the Lightning transaction I made to Bitrefill yesterday, where my payment was confirmed on the website before my wallet even gave me the "Transaction complete" notification, was all in my imagination. 
if people were actually trying to use it to pay for stuff they'd wake up and realise that they're holding onto something that's basically useless
I use it to pay for stuff almost daily. It's far from useless. I'm afraid that the arguments you are making suggest that you have made one or two poorly configured transactions where you overpaid on fees, and have therefore decided that bitcoin is uniformly terrible.