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Federal Reserve Announces Decentralization of the U.S. Dollar

23 March 2020
Nullwire

TERRA NULLIUS, CYPHERSPACE (*NULL)—The United States Federal Reserve has announced that it will decentralize the U.S. dollar by distributing money-printing technology to each and every individual.

The new QE Infinity® brand of money-printer will permit people to produce dollars in the safety of their homes, without the risk of violating social distancing rules.  A contract for manufacturing of the printer has been provisionally awarded to Wuhan Fintech Ltd.

For individuals and businesses who wish to refill their bank accounts without the risk of physical activity, initial releases of the Virtual QE Infinity® software package will soon be available for Apple iPhone, Google Android, and Microsoft Windows.  A Virtual QE Infinity® web app will also be available at MakeMoney.Gov.

U.S. President Donald Trump tweeted, “It’s my idea.  Why should Wall Street get all the fun?  I promised the American people that I would stand up for Main Street.  So I told Stevie, call the bank, make it happen, or else YOU’RE FIRED!  #MAGA”

“Unlike Bitcoin, this is not money created out of thin air:  It is real money, backed by the Full Faith and Credit of the United States 🇺🇸,” Trump added in a subsequent tweet.

Trump simultaneously announced a Federally funded scientific programme to cure the coronavirus, Ebola, cancer, AIDS, and death by the power of wishful thinking.

“If you think positive, think big, there’s no limit to what you can do.  People believe in the dollar.  This works the same way,” Trump tweeted.

The Dow soared infinite points within minutes after the announcement.

In reaction to the news, a European Central Bank spokescreature announced, “To keep the E.U. competitive in this new reality, E.C.B. President Christine Lagarde will be stepping aside to make way for the financial expertise of Zimbabwe’s President Emeritus, Robert Mugabe.  Mr. Mugabe will be granted honourary E.U. citizenship, as soon as American scientists can raise him from the dead for us.”

In unrelated news, the E.C.B. headquarters will be relocating from Frankfurt to Weimar.

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