"If you don't own the private keys to the wallet containing Bitcoins, you don't own Bitcoins."
Put your BTC in brain wallet. Tell IRS "I don't have the private keys to that address".
Impossible for them to legally prove you are the owner of those BTC.
You pay no taxes.
Do you plant to ever convert your coin to money or buy physical goods? If so good luck with that. The IRS can come into your house and ask for proof of purchase for EVERYTHING, the more things you can't link back to bank account/credit card purchases the more likely they'll come after you for tax evasion and maybe even trigger a money laundering investigation.
Pay your taxes like an adult.