he said no Linux and no Pi, must be Winblows...
So, if you dig around you can find one of the older tablets that run Windows CE and has USB, plug in a USB/Ethernet adapter, cross your fingers the drivers will work in Windows CE and use that.  Those old palm clones came with some weird options and docks so it's possible that you can find one of those that will work and use as much power as 2 overclocked AntMiners.

Good luck.