I literally have multiple threads where I give away merits to those who do very simple processes to show they are real and capable of using crypto for things other than asking for it.

Here they are since you don't seem to want to ask around in the beginner section or use the search function.  You're welcome for doing the work for you.  If you had some merit to send (sorry, I had to poke fun), this would be a great opportunity to use it.  LOL

[Merit] Hey Newbies! Can You Sign A Message?
[Merit] Hey Bitcoiners! Can You Send Encrypted Messages?

I don't check them as frequently as I used to, but if you do what you're supposed to you will eventually get a merit when I get around to it.  I hope that helps you feel a little better.