And I surely wouldn't use
market price to determine an
actual fact about something

.
Sure, you would never do that:

And of course, major governments could shut down Bitcoin too, and even effectively so, by reducing the price of Bitcoin by 99%
How are we different than a centralized crypto like Ether?
You're quite similar to Ethereum, especially considering Ethereum's centralized nature. There have been instances of frozen accounts in the past, and now it operates on a Proof-of-Stake system, which is inherently centralized.
The government doesn't require Ethereum developers to enforce KYC because it's not practically feasible, and also because there's a level of decentralization preventing such actions. However, in your situation, it's entirely feasible to implement KYC measures. I think you even fall under the category of a money transmitting business according to the current laws.
Because I don't love criminals? Seriously?
No. It's because you fail to acknowledge that the real criminals are the ones sitting in government offices, dressed in fine suits, making decisions that can affect the entire economy.
You're probably leaning towards a statist viewpoint, that's why you don't understand it.