Dude, what drugs did you just consume? I feel that you are like a stressed person on the side of the road, and it seems that your life has made you quite crazy. Because from the beginning I read what you said it didn't make sense and was getting further from the context of what you said. I don't know what your problem is and what the point of you saying all that is. You should try discussing your mental health with a psychologist, maybe they can provide a solution to the problems you are experiencing.