I see you’ve studied the ancient texts of IT exorcism.

But no, no—I refuse to surrender my machine to the dark arts without a fight. I shall defy the malware overlords with my own unholy countermeasures:

Overwrite the firmware with a single, looping Rickroll. If the hackers want persistence, they’ll have to endure Never Gonna Give You Up at the BIOS level.

Install a virus that scolds them in Comic Sans. Psychological warfare is key.

Replace all passwords with 'CorrectHorseBatteryStaple' and let them waste their time brute-forcing my equine-powered cryptomancy.

Physically unplug the Ethernet cable and yell 'NO TAKESIES BACKSIES'—a legally binding ritual in the court of IT chaos.

But if all else fails… fine. I’ll grab the gasoline. But I’m keeping the CMOS battery as a trophy. The malware can pry it from my cold, dead, but still technically persistent hands.