...including internet and cable ready. I really don't want to have to sign up with any utilities companies.
Already here we have a problem: in Germany the person owning the access to the internet is responsible for what happens there. Recently there were a few lawsuits that look promising of weakening this, but in general giving anyone internet access who isn't you yourself is a risk I wouldn't take and few others are willing to take.
I need a landlord who's totally okay with an illegal immigrant living under their roof.
Dafuq?!
Well... good luck to both you and your future landlord.