The confirmations take too long.

I get that the risk of double spend is very low, extremely low, especially for low value purchases.
But without using a third party to process the risk is still too high.

I write a check and it bounces, they have my identification they can come after me with, etc.

What do they have with bitcoin?

Third party payment processing does solve the problem because the third party can see the transaction of the network before it is confirmed, validate that it has a fee miners are likely to accept, etc. and give approval - but the whole fucking point of crypto-currency is to free us from the need of third party control over the flow of money - and that freedom is often used as a selling point.

So saying the solution is to use third party processing (for a percentage of the purchase price) is a bullshit answer.

Bitcoin simply wasn't designed for transactions where a fast confirmation is needed.

But it doesn't have to be the one coin that meets all needs.