While the majority of responses were less than helpful, although somewhat entertaining, I've come up with the following solution:
I have two offline wallets that split my BTC between the two. If something happens to one, I don't lose them all.
I have my public addresses as 'watch only' so I can monitor the balances.
I have my private keys stamped into metal that won't melt if the house burned down.
AND I have paper copies in another location, split up so you need both parts to complete the key.
I'm HODLing long term, so I wanted to be safe.