VERY CONFUSING.  I have $500US that I want to convert to bitcoin.  HOW?

I am one of those "Old People," and have been in the computing business WAY longer than 99.9% of all of you, and I find the arrogance of the "bitcoiners" unbelievable.  You talk about bitcoin this and bitcoin that but you never address the answer to a question that I have asked in many of these forums, "I have $xxx dollars in US currency in my hand.  How do I convert that to bitcoins?"

I have NEVER seen such a poorly introduced system.  EVERY article that I read assumes that I already have some Bitcoins and I want to buy something.  Great, but how do I initially set up the Bitcoin account with some "physical" money?  Never addressed in articles that I have read.  For example, I have $1000US that I want to convert into Bitcoin so that I can buy something using Bitcoins.  HOW??