VERY SAD ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!

Due to circumstances beyond our control (a small monkey opened one of the hard to reach windows and, while unable to personally fit through the gap, was sided by two medium-sized parakeets who flew in and ate the hard disk containing the hotwallet) we will no longer be able to offer -600% ROI as the hotwallet is now empty/forms part of the nests of two medium sized parakeets. Rather than close down and leave our literally non-negative customer base without any recourse, we have decided to revise the ROI from -600% to 0%. This means that all new investors will receive their money back (minus a 99.8-100% transaction fee required to maintain server costs and buy drugs) for the foreseeable future. I can say without reservation that no one is more disappointed than we are apart from all the people who are in fact more disappointed.

On a related note if anyone has a good way of baiting/luring/catching parakeets and then training them to reassemble a hard disk* then please let us know as we would like to resume normal service as swiftly as possible. We have called animal services but they just laugh and laugh, sometimes for several hours without pausing, and with calls to their number cost three dollars a minute this has pushed us further into financial difficulties.

*For security reasons, rather than using a physical hard disk we just got a guy to write down all of the relevant ones and zeroes on a big pad of paper. He assured us that the order wasn't important and could be changed later so our hard disk was essentially just several hundred thousand ones followed by a roughly similar number of zeroes. The good news is that Gary tells us that the parakeet break-in and hard-disk nest misappropriation has probably actually brought the contents of the pad closer to accuracy, increasing the integrity of the hard disk (if it weren't spread across the branches of two very tall trees inhabited by birds who can actually bite much harder than you'd think an animal that size could. Again, though, it's not all bad news: I may have lost a thumb and most of my index finger but I gained three surprisingly delicious eggs and a piece of paper which ultimately turned out to contain nuclear launch codes for one of the dozen or so nuke-capable states, we think probably France as the penmanship was quite exquisite.)

Again, our apologies and we will update you as soon as the site is once again a fully functioning scam. Until then please do not stop sending donations - many of us have children, drug habits and children with drug habits, all of which present a substantial overhead that can only be covered by your feckless naivety.

jonniemarbles

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