Yeah...be jealous:

...I'm gonna go cry in the corner now.

I wish I had enough money for even a decent USB hub with some bitmain or scrypt miners...but nah

being a poor college kid is hard.
Can anyone give me advice - on if it's even worth the chance mining a certain coin with this crappy sha256 miner?
Anything REALLY super cheap I could buy so I'm not so pathetic?!
Define really super cheap? I have a feeling anwser is no. But not sure what figure you had in mind
As far mining with it... chances of hitting block are as you know very low. And pool mining you won't reac min on most with it. So it really is if your enjoying it as it's not going to pull a profit.