I was told to hold "onto" my balls... thought it'd be exciting. Didn't know that it'd be because they'd been repeatedly kicked, me, left writhing in pain.

Holding onto ones balls requires some balls to begin with so already you don't qualify, but nice try anyways....
This pretty much sums this thread all up. Nothing new to read in here, yet another new topic about halving. As correctly stated in here:
https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=1410022.0, we will have more than 100 new topics about halving, as most of the users in here don't know how to use search option.
No I think these people know very well how to use the search function.
It's more to earn some fractions of Bitcoin with sig campaigns.
I can live with that "issue" to be honest. Just read and comment in the big threads and let the others disappear to page 2,3,4 and so on.