Number of times I have brought up "garden shears" (prior to this post): 0
Well, you've said 'non-sequitteurs' about 3 times, not 0, so perhaps it's you that needs to put the pipe down? Why are we interested in scissors, that aren't scissors? If not scissors, er, uh, what are they? Exactly? Why do you, or anyone else, care?
If acting like a dimwitted assburger is your internet persona, and you never break character, I admire your dedication. Kudos!
Otherwise, dial 911 immediately & remain on the line until help arrives.