Buy on rumor, sell on news. I just bought a little bit of gold with some satoshi. Not much, but I was bored looking at the silver bullion coins that I bought a few weeks ago. Now with my bullion holdings, I'll be able to buy a month worth of cigarettes if financial collapse happens.

You should also get some 90% junk silver coins if you don't already have some. In a worst case SHTF scenario, would be great for barter.
In such scenario you better stock up cans of food, guns, ammo, gas, and any other useful stuff. There will be plenty of people trying to exchange their useless jewels for real stuff.
"Money" in any form is ONLY usefull when there is excedent of resources.
If you have a gun, why food? There a plenty of stray cats, squirrels. rabbits, coyotes, beaver, etc near the creek. I'm sure that I can find plenty of plant stuff to eat in the woods.
I think he'd be better off with the cigarettes tbh
If worse comes to worse, I can barter for a bucket, a shovel and a
Smith and Wesson. Then stake my claim at the creek nearby. I might be able to eke out an existence.
And that's how you get your cigarettes back

Good point.