Then I'm really confused, because money requires an intrinsic value by definition.

I'm not sure about that. Which definition?

I thought money's main necessary properties were

Mostly conserved. Sure you might lose some if careless, but you can't duplicate it (double spend, shaving the edge off gold coins, counterfeits).
Like currency, needs to be transferred around in useful-size easy-to-validate denominations without too much inconvenience (= cost).
Scarce. Hence, in part, the Hitchhiker's Guide joke about using leaves off trees as money? I put it last, but I suspect it is of primary importance.

Agreed. It has to be indestrucible, divisable and scarce.

Bitcoin isn't indestructible. The reason why gold is good is because its a molecule. its hard to change/destroy molecules.