Quote from: sickhouse on October 03, 2014, 01:40:12 PM

Thought I'd give an update, took amphetamine for the first time in over 6 months today, it's not something I take a lot because I like sleeping Cheesy

. My life has been getting worse and worse, more isolation, people only come over to buy, maybe stay for a joint then leave. All old friends except a few has more or less quit the contact with me, getting more and more depressed (sleep for 17 hours some days). To those of you thinking of relapsing; dont!

On the positive I'm getting more and more experience from this life so hopefully I'll get sick of it soon enough and go to another home ("positive").. Right now I am just switching drugs day by day trying to find something that I can function on (aka self-medication, I am not fooling myself though I use more than self medication) and I've quit the Subutex, for now anyway. Was clean from opi for 14 days, used Lyrica (Pregabalin) instead, then on day 15 I took 40mg of Methadone, thinking just going to use this once.. Day 1 was fine, day 2 buy 2 liters of beer get fucked with more benso in the mix. Nice nod, had one of those deep breaths but I think I may have started imagining them as more dangerous than they are sometimes - either way dumb fuck mix.

Nice feeling back, and on way to order it the 2nd day when it was getting out of my system and I were getting chills and diarréa again (which symptoms by the way had become much better, the hard part was done), so transferred money to a drugsite to order more, but stopped myself in the last second. Methadone will be the death of me if I keep going and I know this because in order to start dozing off I need large doses and to mix with alcohol which is very dangerous. During rehab I came to find out I should have been dead at least 40 times, and there are propably times I don't remember - mixing alcohol+benz+methadone recklessly without tolerance to neither alcohol or opiates, always at least 40mg and VERY MUCH BEER, like 3 people would get drunk from that... And those are the times I remember, propably woken up, taken breath and then fallen asleep and forgot about it a lot. Lucky to be alive is an understatement.

Tried swapping the benso that I always take every day when using, 2 years before rehab, now 3-4 months - for Tramadol, but Tramadol gives me a hard time falling asleep so gonna try something else.. I know I need to go to a home but I also know that I will relapse if I do.

If the social services finds out I've been mixing methadone+alcohol again they will lock me up in a rehab home with bars on the windows for half a year.

TLDR; Life is shitty right now, isolated and can't really find myself the right path.

Very honest and powerful story, it helps you to tell your story; it's hard man; good luck!
I can tell you it is possible not to consume and have a healthy life and healthy relationships but you have to break a lot of habits, maybe move, get a job, meet new people; easier said than done right?