While the majority of responses were less than helpful, although somewhat entertaining, I've come up with the following solution:
I have two offline wallets that split my BTC between the two. If something happens to one, I don't lose them all.
I have my public addresses as 'watch only' so I can monitor the balances.
I have my private keys stamped into metal that won't melt if the house burned down.
AND I have paper copies in another location, split up so you need both parts to complete the key.
I'm HODLing long term, so I wanted to be safe.
An interesting solution could be to PGP-encrypt the private keys, and print them on paper in base64 format,
then send the encrypted private keys to one entity, and send a copy of the private PGP key to another entity, none
of the entities know about each other.
If your house burn down, you contact the holder of the PGP privkey and uses it to decrypt the privkeys. Or even better,
have each of them hold encrypted privkeys and a private PGP key, that only works with the version the other entity has.
Scale up as necessary.
Another way could be to go into the woods and dig it into the ground. If they keys are stored properly, nobody should ever find it.
You could also encrypt the privkeys, and then put the pgp privkey somewhere else. Many possibilities..