It is so hard for me to read and understand your post

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I read a good place to go for newbs is coinbase well I started there and absolutely refuse to pay $800 something for a measly ass .25 bitcoins...
I guess you must have misread something....It is impossible that you can only get 0.25btc for $800 on coinbase.
It says buy amount .25 at $800(and change) USD each. Seemed excessively high to me. Are they actually trying to say .25 at a quarter percent of $800(and change)? IF so why the hell wouldn't they write it like buy amount .25 at $320(change) USD each that way you know instantly how many your getting and how much you are going to pay for that amount rather than complicating an already overly complicated process. .25 for $320 seems a lot more reasonable to me. The offline storage is really no concern for me as I will only have enough in my wallet at one time to get what I want. Back to anonymity how could I go about making these once bought with a real name disappear into obscurity? Possibly selling them to my self anonymously? or gifting them is that possible? A lot of folks throwing a lot of vocabulary at me that I don't understand. Thanks to those helping thus far.